Coming (Back) Soon

I go to run the dishwasher.  Its a portable one, because the bajillion year old house we live in doesn't have a normal one.  Doesn't have room for one, probably couldn't even support one, and there would probably be something wrong with it anyway.  So I go to plug it in, drop the plug in a cup of water.  Get so distracted wondering if I've dried it off enough or if I’m going to be electrocuted upon plugging it in, that I forget to hook up the water hose, and go about my way.  No big deal you say?  Oh no, it is a big deal, not only will it run without water, but it will drain without being hooked up... all over the floor… with the water that’s been sitting in the hoses from the last load of dishes.  Ugh.

This is my life.

We are in the midst of moving.  I’m hoping being on a single level house, although smaller, but better laid out, will improve my life so greatly, I will not only blog when my children hit important milestones in their life, but I will blog regularly, like I used to.  It was therapeutic.  I need therapy.  I will be back.  Soon!

One Year.

One whole year.  Where to even begin?  I don’t even know where the time went.  You are still my tiny little baby every time I look at you, yet, when I look back on pictures, you are not the same baby you were a year ago.  I am not the same person I was a year ago.  Sure, I’m sleep deprived, I don’t really have time for hobbies, or myself most of the time, and everything is messy, but I couldn't  and wouldn't trade it for the world, my world, you.

It seems like so much has happened, it’s hard to reflect on the last year.  Two weeks ago I quit my job.  Everyone was sick so often that it literally made no sense for me to work anymore because daycare was getting more money than I was being paid.  I can’t really say that it hurt me at all.  I get to spend my days with you now, and I don’t have to feel like I am letting daycare see all your firsts.  I also don’t have to sit and wonder who is taking care of you, and are they really doing the best job possible?  Not that I had any reason to doubt them, it’s just a thing a mother wonders… constantly, with everyone.  I only worked 6 ½ months, but it seemed like an eternity not being with you all the time.  I am so glad that we get these last few months together before the new baby comes, and life will be shared. 

I really don’t think you will mind the new baby.  You seem to love everyone (for the most part).  I can undoubtedly say that you love all children and babies.  Even when one is crying on TV, you try to hand them a pacifier to comfort them.  You are such a sweet girl.  Your last day at daycare was hard on everyone.  The daycare staff cried, they all said you were one of their favorites.  I’m sure they tell all parents that, but I somehow believe that it’s actually true.  You rarely cry, you are a joy to be around, you are so easy to please, and the only things you make remotely difficult are changing you, because you want to wiggle all around, and putting you in your car seat.  It was hard on me because they made you a goodbye card, and I’m emotional enough as it is being pregnant, so I just started bawling.  I worry that this is the wrong decision for only one reason: your friends.  You truly did have friends at daycare, and I worry, especially since you love children of all ages, that you will be lonely, and get bored with just me being around.  I have looked, and have yet to find any sort of mothers group around here, so I may need to expand my horizons to further away to see if there are any groups out there, so that we can still keep your social calendar full.  We left our phone number with your best friend’s, Lily, mother, since she had been out sick all week, so hopefully we can still keep in contact with her, and you two can remain friends.

Since daycare was closed on Good Friday, we took the opportunity to take you back to the Zoo, since Momma and Dada were off too!  Dada really wanted to take you back since you slept through your first trip, and half the exhibits were closed.  You really enjoyed it this time.  You stayed awake the entire time we were there, and we thought you may pass out on us around 2, but I think you just needed a little break from seeing so many things, because once we rested you were rearing to go again.  That was almost a full seven straight hours of action for you, and you didn't cry or get fussy once.  Maybe we were finally on top of our game with feeding and changing you, but I doubt it.  You were super good,  I was very proud.  I barely lasted that long, and I’m pretty sure I insisted on more breaks than anyone combined.  You loved seeing all the animals, but they were all pretty much just “dogs” to you.  Every time we’d see a new one, you’d point and say, “DOG!” very excitedly.  Once we got to the birds, some of them were ducks, but some were dogs too.  You will learn.  Some of the animals were crazy for you.  I think you liked the painted dogs, and the monkeys the best.  The monkeys always seem to put on a show for us when we are there, and they held true to that this time as well.  Afterwards we were all pretty beat.  We headed to Wal-Mart to find the perfect outfit for your birthday (Dada went a little crazy on this, and found what he wanted, but not in the right size, and we were on the hunt until we found it) ate some dinner (which you slept through) and headed home to crash.

Then we had Saturday, the 30^th.  Your first birthday.  Wow.  You came into this world at 10:34 am, screaming, and full of attitude, at 6 pounds, 9 ounces and 21 ½ inches long.  At your 1-year checkup, you weighed in at 20 pounds, 1 ounce, and 29 inches long.  My, how you've grown.  We had a lot to do that morning, since we had a few things to pick up for your birthday party, so it was a pretty crazy start to the day.  We were a little worried all morning because your birthday party was supposed to be outside, and at 6am, it started hailing.  At about 7am it was back to raining, and by 11am it was a cloudless sky.  The weather is bizarre.  I was also concerned because we had reserved a Ramada at the park from 11am to 4pm, and a week later the fire department had reserved the park for the same day from 9am to 11am for an Easter Egg hunt.  I was scared, especially with the weather, that they would not be out of our area on time, and we wouldn't have the time to decorate for your party.  We got to the park around 11:30am, and the place was cleared out, so I don’t know if they cancelled their event, or they really had their stuff together, and got out of there on time.  We started decorating, and before we knew it, we were almost out of time!  Eep!  Overall, we had a great time with family and a few friends.  We even invited your favorite teacher from daycare, who came, and loved getting to spend time with you.  Since they had moved you from her classroom 4 months ago, she has really missed you.  You didn't really care for the BBQ part of your party, probably because you didn't eat anything, but you loved playing with balloons and looking at all the decorations hanging around.  You had fun smashing your birthday cake, but you needed a little coaching, and you loved it when everyone would clap and cheer for you, and of course, you loved opening your presents.  (Who doesn't?)  Another tiring day on the books, but well worth it to see the look of happiness on your face.  

I feel like this is shorter than it needs to be.  I feel like I am missing so much, but at the same time it’s hard to write down every detail without going into the “boring” everyday things, like how many diapers you had that day, and what you ate.  You are a lovable child; I have yet to meet someone who doesn't want to be around you, I actually have people ask me to babysit you, instead of me having to go look for a babysitter, but I don’t take many people up on the offer.  You love to do so many things.  You love being outside in general, you love baths (and even showers), you love bubbles, you are starting to enjoy different foods, but yogurt hands down is your all-time favorite food, which is surprising since you haven’t been eating it that long, but If you even see a yogurt cup (meant for you or not) you go bonkers.  You are finally starting to eat some solids, but you are a little iffy on things that you have to chew, and don’t just eventually melt in your mouth.  It’s been challenging to say the least, but for the most part, you are a trooper.

Not that you are old enough to remember it, but I really hope that you have enjoyed your first year of life, as much as we've enjoyed having you as a huge part of ours.  Neither one of us knew we would be able to be so utterly and completely in love with someone so amazing.

Love you more than you will ever know.

Love,

Momma

Eleven Months

Well kid, you’re almost all grown up.  This is the last month we can say that you’re “so many months old” you’re rackin’ up your time, and pretty soon we’ll be saying, “She’s a year old,” and then two, and so on.  STOP IT.  Stop growing up on me!

 This month has been a crazy one for us.  We’ve all been sick, and currently are still sick.  Your parents were lucky enough to share bronchitis, while you had some mystery illness that left you with a fever for almost a week, with no discoverable cause.  It’s been fun, let me tell you.  We’ve had two snowstorms that have closed school for you, so you’ve officially had your first two snow days, although they weren’t closed for snow, but for the amount of ice on the roads.  This month we also took our first extended road trip, which was quite interesting. 

We had to travel to Durant, Oklahoma (which is right on the southern border of Oklahoma) for your great-granddad’s funeral, so we figured we’d just do the hop-skip-and-jump over to Dallas, since it was only an hour and a half more.  In theory it worked on the way there, but not so awesome on the way back.  On the way there, we stopped in Durant for 2 days.  We took our sweet time, took as many stops as needed, and it was only about 3-3 ½ hours.  No rush.  We stayed in a hotel the first night, and although you were fussy in the hotel at night, the car ride was smooth.  The next day we had the funeral, which was mid-day, so we packed up, headed to the funeral, hit a few bumps in the road, and ended up leaving for Dallas probably around 6ish.  This car ride was also smooth, because it’s just a little bit longer than the distance; we travel to go to Tulsa.  Our second hotel was not so awesome, but you did great in it, and slept through the night.  Too bad we had obnoxiously loud neighbors the entire night until about 4 am.  If it’s not one thing, it’s another.  We left the hotel around 9:30, and went shopping at a few places we don’t have in Oklahoma that we missed from Arizona, and had lunch, and were headed back on the road to home.  We couldn’t be as lax on our way back home, because I had to be to work the next day.  You did great (aka slept) for the first few hours, but you made the last few hours double, and we stopped every 20-45 minutes due to your screaming, and just wanting to be out of the car.  I get it, I totally understand, but ugh, I much rather would have had that on the way there when I had a day or two to recuperate than getting home so late on a Sunday, unloading a very unhappy you, the car, having to do laundry, and then get up and go to work the next morning.  We will work on it though.  You really didn’t care about some of the places we went, but we went to IKEA to look for dressers and you loved it there.  You loved the entire store, from the cafeteria when we had breakfast, to the children’s section.  I think it’s just the way the store was made.  You were all smiles all the time.  IKEA makes us happy too.  We ended up buying a whole lot of crap we didn’t need, and not picking up dressers because they wouldn’t fit, but we did find some nice stuff to get eventually… on our next trip to Dallas (haha.)

When I took you to the doctor earlier this week, you were 19 pounds, 7 oz.  You’re almost at the big 2-0!  I’m not really sure what we’re supposed to do at this stage, because when you hit 25 pounds, a lot will change.  We can no longer use your changing table or the changing thing on your playpen, and we can’t use your swing, and I’m sure there’s a few other things we won’t be able to use anymore, and then our world will end.  I’m not sure what will we do without you swing because honestly, we still use it when you’re being super difficult at night, or even during the day, and most of the time it works.  I suppose that’s all part of growing up. 

 You aren’t quite walking yet, but you are getting around quickly.  You’ve started standing and letting go, until you realize that you’ve let go, and then you panic and either fall, or quickly grab on to the nearest thing.  You’re close though, and that’s scary.  I’m not ready for you to be so mobile yet; you’re exhausting enough as it is.  You’ve also started eating more solid foods.  So far, it’s just puffs, and cereal like items, plus some freeze-dried yogurt bites, but you’re getting the hang of it.  I think when you get more teeth it will be a little easier for you.  You really want to try a lot of different things; your little mouth isn’t ready for it yet.  You really gave me the eyes on four different occasions, all when I was eating a pastrami sandwich, so I don’t know if it just looked good, or smelled good or what, but you looked at me like a ravenous animal, and licked your lips for each sandwich I ate.  You constantly try to grab what I’m eating, and sometimes I will give you a little taste, but it’s never been like that.  You are a silly little thing sometimes.

You are still the happiest baby I know.  Tons of things make you happy.  Seeing the dog I think tops everything.  He just exists in your presence, and your world is complete.  You still love baths, and seeing daddy pretty much every time he walks in to the room.  You even know that at night when the phone rings, he is calling for us to come get him from work, and many times, you will talk to him from across the room.  You love to run around in your walker, and it’s giving you an opportunity to bond with the dog as well.  He is getting less skittish with you, and I think that’s in part to you learning that you need to be gentle with him.  You’ve learned that if you stick your hand out, and let him come to you, he will be more patient with you, than if you were to just go up to him.  You love “group hugs”, and if it was possible for you to explode from happiness I think that being in the middle of a group hug with Momma and Daddy, or seeing the dog would do it.  You love to ride on top of Daddy’s shoulders, and you love your newfound freedom of not having to go everywhere in the car seat, because now you can (almost) fit in highchairs at restaurants, and in the carts at the grocery store.  If the weather were nicer, we would probably take you on walks outside more, because you love to ride in the stroller as well.  We still constantly hear what a pleasant and happy baby you are, and you truly are (except in the middle of the night) and I am not sure how we got so lucky to have such a delightful baby.

I love you baby girl.

Love,

Momma

Ten Months.

You are almost a year old, time is whizzing by!  I guess we need to start planning your very first birthday!  Unfortunately, for everyone this month was full of more sadness than happiness.

January 4th you, me, and both the dogs were sitting on the floor one evening.  Everything was going peachy.  You were sitting still for once, not trying to crawl around, or bang on things, and out of nowhere, one of our dogs, Lucy, was on top of you growling.  It happened in a split second.  There was no warning, no provocation, nothing that should have caused this.  Instinct kicked in.  You weren’t hysterical yet, until I stood up to get the dogs in their crates.  That’s when the screaming started.  Things were ok.  I gave you a brief look over, no blood.  Good sign.  Got the dogs in their crates.  You’re still hysterical.  You must have been screaming pretty hard, because once I picked you up, that’s when the blood started flowing.  I realized that Lucy had bit you.  In the face.  That’s when panic kicked in, and instinct was gone.  I didn’t know what to do.  You were hysterical.  I was hysterical.  I had to put you down, because when I called for the voice of reason (Dada) I couldn’t’ hear a thing he said.  It didn’t matter.  According to him, all he got out of me the first few seconds of the call was, “Oh, god, oh god…”  I don’t even remember saying them.  Eventually, I pulled myself together enough to grab your stuff, grab you, head to dad’s work, and get to the emergency room.  Since it was a dog bite, the police were called.  The emergency room took for what seemed like forever.  It was probably only 2 hours, but they were an exhausting 2 hours.  People were constantly in and out of our room.  Police.  Nurses.  Doctors.  Hospital staff.  It seemed like we saw everyone in the hospital that night.  Turned out, it wasn’t so bad.  You didn’t need stitches.  There was no real permanent damage, but there was more damage than I had originally seen.  You could tell where the top of Lucy’s mouth had punctured your skin, and where her bottom teeth had punctured it, which is the part I originally saw.  This was no accident, and Dada was hell-bent on putting Lucy to sleep the next day, which we ended up not being able to do because she was in quarantine for 10 days.

This was almost a week after.

January 7th at about 9:45 in the morning I get a call from daycare, repeatedly telling me that you’re ok, and there’s nothing to worry about because you’re ok… and, and, and…  I seriously just wanted them to spit it out because I got probably a good 3 minutes of “She’s ok but… she’s doing fine… but...  she’s ok…” and on and on.  One of the teachers at daycare wasn’t paying attention, and the other two were busy with other children and so they weren’t paying attention either, so when she opened the door, and you were in front of it… she ran over your poor little chubby hand.  They said you cried, a lot, but eventually napped after a while.  If course you did, you probably wore yourself, out.  When I got to daycare that afternoon, I was furious.  We have continually had issues with them and I cannot wait to have your little brother / sister so that I can stay home with you two, and take care of you on my terms, and not have all these issues to deal with anymore.  Your hand didn’t seem to both you too much, so it probably looked a lot worse than it was (Dada thought it may have been broken upon his first inspection) but it never seemed to stop you from getting into everything, and using it as you would have any other time.

It was actually bruised a lot worse than it looks here.
This was taken 3 days later.

January 9th was my 30th birthday.  The majority of people I know forgot it, which made a hard week, even harder.  I pretty much snapped when I got home, and started crying, and couldn’t stop.  When your dad got home, we talked more about Lucy, and your Uncle Jacob had offered to take her, so I was more than thrilled at that prospect.  Not only did we not have to put her down, but she was going to a home where she could still be a part of our lives.  Yay!

January 20th was the day that Jacob was supposed to take Lucy.  He ended up not being able to do it.  A little devastating, but we thought we had found another alternative, someone that could take her, work with her, and place her with a good family, with no children.

January 22nd you were in your walker, which is in front of the dog’s crates, out of nowhere, Lucy starts growling, and lunging at you.  This upset you, understandably.  And we realized we really needed to move on the whole rehoming Lucy thing, but we still hadn’t heard from the one person we were able to find in our area.

January 23rd we saw your doctor for you 9-month appointment.  (On time, I know, get used to doctors pushing you around, you’re at their mercy, and they can move your appointments around so far that you’re being seen at almost 10 months old for your 9-month appointment.)  You are right on course for being a healthy growing girl!  You were 19 pounds and 6 ½ ounces.  You measured in at 27 ½” (which is a little over two feet!)

Happy girl!

January 24th at 3 am you woke up for your middle-of-the-night bottle, and almost immediately, didn’t keep it down.  Some nasty bugs have been going around, so we decided to keep you home.  Dada stayed with you, and you kept that up pretty much all day.  The next day, you still hadn’t kept anything down (formula, food, or water) and you were grumpy because you were hungry, but then you’d throw it all up, and that upset you too.  So after trying to get an appointment with your doctor, and being unsuccessful, we took you to the emergency room.  We were there for three agonizing hours.  You were still hungry, and they didn’t provide us with any answers until the very end.  You didn’t have the flu, which was good, but you did have a viral infection, which they can’t give you anything for, which was awful.  They did give you a prescription for something to keep you from throwing up, and put you on a Pedialyte diet for at least a day.  You were so happy to have something in your tummy; you sucked it down every time we gave it to you.  That night, when Dada went to feed the dogs, Lucy snapped at him, and we decided, with very heavy hearts, that it was finally time to let her go.  She was getting worse.  We didn’t know why, or how, or even when it really started, but it was time to say goodbye.

Poor, sick, little ER baby.

January 26th at 8:28 am, I called the vet to make an appointment.  They could get us in at 11:30, and they would accommodate our requests for Lucy’s final moments.  Uncle Jacob came over to watch you while we took Lucy and Landon to the vet.  They got to play a little bit before we left, and then we headed out the door.  My feet felt like lead.  It hurt to even move to get to the car.  But it was something that had to be done.  She was a danger to you, and a growing danger to others around her.  We got her into the vet, and when the time came, Dada was in a lot of pain, and could barely bring himself to bring her to the room.  We had a few moments to say goodbye, and then they put her to sleep.  It was a painless thing, but incredibly painful at the same time.  Lucy felt no pain as she passed.  But we felt the world come crashing down on us.  Landon was also in the room, and he got a chance to say his goodbyes to her as well.  It has been a few rough few days, and without your smiling little face, I don’t know how any of us could have made it through this extremely difficult time.  Although she hurt you, and we love you with all our hearts, we also loved her.  We had her for over 5 years, and she was a huge part of our lives, and family.  I hope that someday you will have a pet that you love and cherish as much as we did Lucy, and do Landon, and that you can understand how much joy they bring us.

Lucy loved you, and you loved her.

January 29th, the month of terrible happenings was almost over.  We were looking for a fresh start.  Unfortunately, one more bad thing had to happen.  Your Great-Grandfather, Ray, passed away late on the 29th.  Unfortunately, you never had the chance to meet in person, but he was a wonderful man.  We all had a chance to Skype for his 90th birthday, so you did get to see him once, but you won’t remember.

Raymond Leroy Holtzen died 1/29/2013 in Marble Falls, Texas. He was born 10/7/1922 in Fairmont, Oklahoma as the youngest of 13 children of John and Margaretha Holtzen.

Raymond served proudly in World War II in Europe with the U.S. First Army Signal Corp. He met Jean Betty Duncan in England during the war and they were married by proxy 9/22/1945 and in the church on 8/9/1946.

Raymond worked as a Construction Supervisor of numerous soil conservation dams in Oklahoma.

Upon retirement Raymond and Betty moved to Lake Texoma. They were members of the Our Savior's Lutheran Church in Durant, Oklahoma,.

They enjoyed arts and crafts and traveled to many craft fairs selling their handmade wooden toys and crafts.

Raymond moved to Marble Falls, Texas in 2012 to be closer to his daughter Jeannette Wilson.

Raymond was predeceased by his wife, Betty and a son, David Lee Holtzen.

He is survived by a daughter, Jeannette H. Wilson and her husband, Jim of Marble Falls, Texas; A son, Colin Ray Holtzen and his wife, Tracey of Broken Arrow, Oklahoma; A grandson, Jason Ray Holtzen and his wife, Amanda and great-granddaughter, Quinn, of Bartlesville, Oklahoma.

In lieu of flowers, donations to the American Heart Association would be appreciated.

As for some good news.  Your two little teeth finally broke free, and you love to show them off with your smile.  You love to smile.  You also love to get into everything, and bang your spoon on whatever objects you can find to make music for us.  You still love to talk our ear off.  Sometimes we wake up in the morning, and who knows how long you've been awake, but you're in your room just babbling to yourself happy as can be.  I love you baby girl.  I’m sorry this was such a depressing entry, but that’s what happens in life, which you will figure out soon enough, if you haven’t already.  I hope next month is better for all of us.

Love,

Momma

Why do I cry?

Why do I cry, and seem like a bitch on this day: January 9, 2013?  Let me tell you.  I don’t even know where to begin.  I cry because at 9 days in, it’s been a horrible year, and I can’t wait for it to be over.  Nine days in.  I cry because I come home from work, and I take my dogs out.  I have to take my dogs out one by one, because they can no longer be together, despite the fact that they are the best of friends.  I cry when I take the first one out because he has no idea of the heartache and loss he will soon feel; it will blindside him, and my heart aches for him.  I cry when I take the second one out because it is due to her actions that she is quarantined.  It is because we were all sitting on the floor Friday night, and at 6:48 pm she decided to lunge and bite my daughter on the head, for no apparent reason.  My world stopped at that very moment.  I cry because while she has to be quarantined, since she is ours, and bit our daughter, we at least get to keep her for the 10 days that she is stuck in this hell.  I cry because the moment he heard what happened, my husband condemned her to death.  I cry because she is so vibrant, and full of life, and I have a week left with her, and she has no idea what is about to hit her, and it’s all at our own hands, and it was all so random, so out of character.  I cry because my daughter so desperately wants to play with her puppies, and I cannot let her, despite the fact that she reaches out and joyfully screams for them.  I cry because today was my 30 birthday, and while I feared 30 would be horrible, I had no idea how horrible it would be.  Not only have I been trying to get through day to day without making a scene, I then have to deal with this.  I wake up next to my husband, no words.  I am dropped off at work, no words.  I greet him, and take him to work a few hours later, no words.  At 1:13 in the afternoon, I get a call, “I forgot to tell you something important this morning,” he says.  “I know,” I say, almost at the verge of tears, but I am at work, so I fight it off.  After some conversation these exact words come out of his mouth, “I didn't realize it was today until a little bit ago.”  My own husband.  The man I married.  I got a Happy Birthday from 1 friend, 1 parent, 1 sibling, and eventually 1 husband.  Because my year has not already been rough enough, I get to sit at home, forgotten by those who would be hurt should the same happen to them, with my dog who is on death row, my dog who is being punished for something he didn't do, and my daughter, who has no ideas about the cruel world she lives in.  So yes, I cry.  Yes, I was a bitch today.  No, I don’t care.  No, I don’t want anyone to make it up to me.  There is no making it up.  Just leave me alone at this point, and let me cry.