Ten Months.

You are almost a year old, time is whizzing by!  I guess we need to start planning your very first birthday!  Unfortunately, for everyone this month was full of more sadness than happiness.

January 4th you, me, and both the dogs were sitting on the floor one evening.  Everything was going peachy.  You were sitting still for once, not trying to crawl around, or bang on things, and out of nowhere, one of our dogs, Lucy, was on top of you growling.  It happened in a split second.  There was no warning, no provocation, nothing that should have caused this.  Instinct kicked in.  You weren’t hysterical yet, until I stood up to get the dogs in their crates.  That’s when the screaming started.  Things were ok.  I gave you a brief look over, no blood.  Good sign.  Got the dogs in their crates.  You’re still hysterical.  You must have been screaming pretty hard, because once I picked you up, that’s when the blood started flowing.  I realized that Lucy had bit you.  In the face.  That’s when panic kicked in, and instinct was gone.  I didn’t know what to do.  You were hysterical.  I was hysterical.  I had to put you down, because when I called for the voice of reason (Dada) I couldn’t’ hear a thing he said.  It didn’t matter.  According to him, all he got out of me the first few seconds of the call was, “Oh, god, oh god…”  I don’t even remember saying them.  Eventually, I pulled myself together enough to grab your stuff, grab you, head to dad’s work, and get to the emergency room.  Since it was a dog bite, the police were called.  The emergency room took for what seemed like forever.  It was probably only 2 hours, but they were an exhausting 2 hours.  People were constantly in and out of our room.  Police.  Nurses.  Doctors.  Hospital staff.  It seemed like we saw everyone in the hospital that night.  Turned out, it wasn’t so bad.  You didn’t need stitches.  There was no real permanent damage, but there was more damage than I had originally seen.  You could tell where the top of Lucy’s mouth had punctured your skin, and where her bottom teeth had punctured it, which is the part I originally saw.  This was no accident, and Dada was hell-bent on putting Lucy to sleep the next day, which we ended up not being able to do because she was in quarantine for 10 days.

This was almost a week after.

January 7th at about 9:45 in the morning I get a call from daycare, repeatedly telling me that you’re ok, and there’s nothing to worry about because you’re ok… and, and, and…  I seriously just wanted them to spit it out because I got probably a good 3 minutes of “She’s ok but… she’s doing fine… but...  she’s ok…” and on and on.  One of the teachers at daycare wasn’t paying attention, and the other two were busy with other children and so they weren’t paying attention either, so when she opened the door, and you were in front of it… she ran over your poor little chubby hand.  They said you cried, a lot, but eventually napped after a while.  If course you did, you probably wore yourself, out.  When I got to daycare that afternoon, I was furious.  We have continually had issues with them and I cannot wait to have your little brother / sister so that I can stay home with you two, and take care of you on my terms, and not have all these issues to deal with anymore.  Your hand didn’t seem to both you too much, so it probably looked a lot worse than it was (Dada thought it may have been broken upon his first inspection) but it never seemed to stop you from getting into everything, and using it as you would have any other time.

It was actually bruised a lot worse than it looks here.
This was taken 3 days later.

January 9th was my 30th birthday.  The majority of people I know forgot it, which made a hard week, even harder.  I pretty much snapped when I got home, and started crying, and couldn’t stop.  When your dad got home, we talked more about Lucy, and your Uncle Jacob had offered to take her, so I was more than thrilled at that prospect.  Not only did we not have to put her down, but she was going to a home where she could still be a part of our lives.  Yay!

January 20th was the day that Jacob was supposed to take Lucy.  He ended up not being able to do it.  A little devastating, but we thought we had found another alternative, someone that could take her, work with her, and place her with a good family, with no children.

January 22nd you were in your walker, which is in front of the dog’s crates, out of nowhere, Lucy starts growling, and lunging at you.  This upset you, understandably.  And we realized we really needed to move on the whole rehoming Lucy thing, but we still hadn’t heard from the one person we were able to find in our area.

January 23rd we saw your doctor for you 9-month appointment.  (On time, I know, get used to doctors pushing you around, you’re at their mercy, and they can move your appointments around so far that you’re being seen at almost 10 months old for your 9-month appointment.)  You are right on course for being a healthy growing girl!  You were 19 pounds and 6 ½ ounces.  You measured in at 27 ½” (which is a little over two feet!)

Happy girl!

January 24th at 3 am you woke up for your middle-of-the-night bottle, and almost immediately, didn’t keep it down.  Some nasty bugs have been going around, so we decided to keep you home.  Dada stayed with you, and you kept that up pretty much all day.  The next day, you still hadn’t kept anything down (formula, food, or water) and you were grumpy because you were hungry, but then you’d throw it all up, and that upset you too.  So after trying to get an appointment with your doctor, and being unsuccessful, we took you to the emergency room.  We were there for three agonizing hours.  You were still hungry, and they didn’t provide us with any answers until the very end.  You didn’t have the flu, which was good, but you did have a viral infection, which they can’t give you anything for, which was awful.  They did give you a prescription for something to keep you from throwing up, and put you on a Pedialyte diet for at least a day.  You were so happy to have something in your tummy; you sucked it down every time we gave it to you.  That night, when Dada went to feed the dogs, Lucy snapped at him, and we decided, with very heavy hearts, that it was finally time to let her go.  She was getting worse.  We didn’t know why, or how, or even when it really started, but it was time to say goodbye.

Poor, sick, little ER baby.

January 26th at 8:28 am, I called the vet to make an appointment.  They could get us in at 11:30, and they would accommodate our requests for Lucy’s final moments.  Uncle Jacob came over to watch you while we took Lucy and Landon to the vet.  They got to play a little bit before we left, and then we headed out the door.  My feet felt like lead.  It hurt to even move to get to the car.  But it was something that had to be done.  She was a danger to you, and a growing danger to others around her.  We got her into the vet, and when the time came, Dada was in a lot of pain, and could barely bring himself to bring her to the room.  We had a few moments to say goodbye, and then they put her to sleep.  It was a painless thing, but incredibly painful at the same time.  Lucy felt no pain as she passed.  But we felt the world come crashing down on us.  Landon was also in the room, and he got a chance to say his goodbyes to her as well.  It has been a few rough few days, and without your smiling little face, I don’t know how any of us could have made it through this extremely difficult time.  Although she hurt you, and we love you with all our hearts, we also loved her.  We had her for over 5 years, and she was a huge part of our lives, and family.  I hope that someday you will have a pet that you love and cherish as much as we did Lucy, and do Landon, and that you can understand how much joy they bring us.

Lucy loved you, and you loved her.

January 29th, the month of terrible happenings was almost over.  We were looking for a fresh start.  Unfortunately, one more bad thing had to happen.  Your Great-Grandfather, Ray, passed away late on the 29th.  Unfortunately, you never had the chance to meet in person, but he was a wonderful man.  We all had a chance to Skype for his 90th birthday, so you did get to see him once, but you won’t remember.

Raymond Leroy Holtzen died 1/29/2013 in Marble Falls, Texas. He was born 10/7/1922 in Fairmont, Oklahoma as the youngest of 13 children of John and Margaretha Holtzen.

Raymond served proudly in World War II in Europe with the U.S. First Army Signal Corp. He met Jean Betty Duncan in England during the war and they were married by proxy 9/22/1945 and in the church on 8/9/1946.

Raymond worked as a Construction Supervisor of numerous soil conservation dams in Oklahoma.

Upon retirement Raymond and Betty moved to Lake Texoma. They were members of the Our Savior's Lutheran Church in Durant, Oklahoma,.

They enjoyed arts and crafts and traveled to many craft fairs selling their handmade wooden toys and crafts.

Raymond moved to Marble Falls, Texas in 2012 to be closer to his daughter Jeannette Wilson.

Raymond was predeceased by his wife, Betty and a son, David Lee Holtzen.

He is survived by a daughter, Jeannette H. Wilson and her husband, Jim of Marble Falls, Texas; A son, Colin Ray Holtzen and his wife, Tracey of Broken Arrow, Oklahoma; A grandson, Jason Ray Holtzen and his wife, Amanda and great-granddaughter, Quinn, of Bartlesville, Oklahoma.

In lieu of flowers, donations to the American Heart Association would be appreciated.

As for some good news.  Your two little teeth finally broke free, and you love to show them off with your smile.  You love to smile.  You also love to get into everything, and bang your spoon on whatever objects you can find to make music for us.  You still love to talk our ear off.  Sometimes we wake up in the morning, and who knows how long you've been awake, but you're in your room just babbling to yourself happy as can be.  I love you baby girl.  I’m sorry this was such a depressing entry, but that’s what happens in life, which you will figure out soon enough, if you haven’t already.  I hope next month is better for all of us.

Love,

Momma

Why do I cry?

Why do I cry, and seem like a bitch on this day: January 9, 2013?  Let me tell you.  I don’t even know where to begin.  I cry because at 9 days in, it’s been a horrible year, and I can’t wait for it to be over.  Nine days in.  I cry because I come home from work, and I take my dogs out.  I have to take my dogs out one by one, because they can no longer be together, despite the fact that they are the best of friends.  I cry when I take the first one out because he has no idea of the heartache and loss he will soon feel; it will blindside him, and my heart aches for him.  I cry when I take the second one out because it is due to her actions that she is quarantined.  It is because we were all sitting on the floor Friday night, and at 6:48 pm she decided to lunge and bite my daughter on the head, for no apparent reason.  My world stopped at that very moment.  I cry because while she has to be quarantined, since she is ours, and bit our daughter, we at least get to keep her for the 10 days that she is stuck in this hell.  I cry because the moment he heard what happened, my husband condemned her to death.  I cry because she is so vibrant, and full of life, and I have a week left with her, and she has no idea what is about to hit her, and it’s all at our own hands, and it was all so random, so out of character.  I cry because my daughter so desperately wants to play with her puppies, and I cannot let her, despite the fact that she reaches out and joyfully screams for them.  I cry because today was my 30 birthday, and while I feared 30 would be horrible, I had no idea how horrible it would be.  Not only have I been trying to get through day to day without making a scene, I then have to deal with this.  I wake up next to my husband, no words.  I am dropped off at work, no words.  I greet him, and take him to work a few hours later, no words.  At 1:13 in the afternoon, I get a call, “I forgot to tell you something important this morning,” he says.  “I know,” I say, almost at the verge of tears, but I am at work, so I fight it off.  After some conversation these exact words come out of his mouth, “I didn't realize it was today until a little bit ago.”  My own husband.  The man I married.  I got a Happy Birthday from 1 friend, 1 parent, 1 sibling, and eventually 1 husband.  Because my year has not already been rough enough, I get to sit at home, forgotten by those who would be hurt should the same happen to them, with my dog who is on death row, my dog who is being punished for something he didn't do, and my daughter, who has no ideas about the cruel world she lives in.  So yes, I cry.  Yes, I was a bitch today.  No, I don’t care.  No, I don’t want anyone to make it up to me.  There is no making it up.  Just leave me alone at this point, and let me cry.

Nine Months

You've officially been out, as long as you were in.  Time is flying by.  I know I say that every month, but it really is.  Where you were when we brought you home, to where you are now is an amazing leap.  You are a smart and very intelligent (and let’s not forget spoiled) little girl.  Every day I wake up, and the moment I think of you, hear you, or see your smiling face, I am so thankful to have been blessed with such a perfect little angel.

This past month has been full of many things for you.  We just celebrated your first Christmas, which was loads of fun.  I think it was probably more fun for Dad and me, than it was for you, but it was fun either way.  You liked to unwrap your presents, but you loved crinkling the paper more than anything, I am sure.  You got lots and lots of toys, and books to enjoy.  (Daddy also got some stuff to play with you with, but I think he's going to enjoy it more than you do at this point.)  

 

We also took you to see Santa at the mall.  You were OK with him at first, but after a few pictures, he wasn't so cool anymore.

Just a few days ago, you were chewing on my fingers and I felt a sharp little point.  You are finally getting your first tooth!  We've been thinking you were teething for months, but now I think it is finally coming.  You are chewing on everything.  So far, the only thing that seems to actually comfort you is raw carrots.  Sometimes we freeze them and you seem to love it and hate it at the same time.  You love how it feels on your gums, but hate how cold it is on your little hands.

You aren't walking on your own yet, but you love to walk with assistance.  You will walk all around the house, with whoever will take you for an adventure.  You still haven't mastered crawling, but you wiggle around to wherever you need to go, and you usually get there quickly.   You are curious about everything and everyone.  Daddy loves it more than you will ever know.  He is convinced you will be a tinkerer like he is.  You seem to want to discover how things work, already so early in your life.  He put a few toys in a lidded box, and you just wanted to take them out, you didn’t even care what the toy was, you wanted it out of the box, because you knew, they didn't belong in there.  You are also really good at discovering how to get things unstuck, when they get jammed in places that they don't belong.  You are one smart cookie!

Momma and daddy also made a big announcement at Christmas.  You’re going to be a big sister!  I know you are excited, even if you don’t know it yet, because no matter where we go, you love other children.  Bigger or smaller, you love to look at them, and try to play with them.  You will be a great big sister.

It’s about time for everyone to go to bed now, so I will wrap this up.  We’ve had a family-filled fun two weeks, and now that it’s all over, we’re all exhausted.  Grandma Lynn went back to Tucson today, and tomorrow is New Year’s Eve.  I am excited to see what 2013 will bring for you.  I am sure you will have no problem staying up until midnight tomorrow, but I probably will.

I love you more and more every day.

Love,

Momma

Eight Months.

My beautiful, amazing baby girl.  I cannot believe that 8 months has flown by.  You are currently in your bouncer, screaming with joy.  So many things make you happy.  When I look at you, screams of joy.  If the dogs run by you, screams of joy.  Everything is just so wonderful for you; you are so full of happiness and joy.

This last month has been full of firsts for you.  First, we had your first Halloween.  You were a little pink monster, and you were pretty stinkin’ cute!

We also had many new foods this month (bananas, pears, carrots, and avocado), as well as your first Thanksgiving, which, honestly, wasn’t that exciting for you.  It was super exciting for Momma and Daddy though because we got to spend four whole days with you, something we don’t get to do or enjoy often enough.  

You do not like avocado.

Bananas are good...

...and so are carrots!

You also got to witness Daddy’s goofiness on Thanksgiving.  You were not amused.  

Your personality is starting to shine through.  You crack me and dad up every day with your antics.  You love to make us smile, and we love to make you smile.  You’ve just started to wave at people, and you’re pretty good at it.  You started with the finger movement, and not really sure of yourself when you did it, kind of like you were afraid to wave.  Now you get the whole arm going and wave at people excitedly all the time.  Hello, goodbye, it doesn’t matter, you just love to wave!  You babble a lot.  You still only say “Dada” on a regular basis, and sometimes, “nana”.  No “mama” yet, but I’m thinking you’re just holding out until Christmas!

We no longer have a mirror to walk by in our hallway since we moved.  I think this makes you a little sad, and I think you may actually miss the baby in the mirror.  We are working on it though, don’t worry.  I think you are lonely a lot, which makes me really sad.  You have other kids to play with at daycare all day, and I think you tolerate me on weeknights, but on the weekend, if you see a baby on TV, out and about, or even the baby on the diaper box, you always reach for them.  You seem so loving and caring to all babies and children, no matter their size.  You just want someone to hang out with.  Lilly’s mom and I keep talking about play dates, but we still haven’t fully moved in, and our house still smells somewhat funny, so I haven’t really pushed the idea.

Monday you start in a new classroom at daycare.  I’m sad and happy about this.  I am sad because we really like your morning teachers.  We’ve even had one come babysit for us, and she cried when she found out you were leaving her room.  They spend most of your day with you, and you always seem happy to see your morning teachers.  I am happy because we are finally getting away from your afternoon teacher.  I don’t like her because she doesn’t listen to what you need or what I want to happen for you, you only seem to tolerate her too, you never seem overly ecstatic to see her like you do your morning teachers.  Luckily, they are moving Lilly with you, so you two will be together.  You will be with many “older” babies, but I think they are all still under a year, so they are not much older—just developmentally more where you are headed.

You have stopped sleeping through the night, and there is rarely a night where you stay in your crib the entire time.  It’s getting super exhausting, but you seem to be doing better sleeping in our bed, and you don’t need the constant attention that you used to, which kept us up all night long.  It seems like every few hours you are hungry, so hopefully it’s just a growth spurt, and it won’t last forever.  It may also be that you’re lonely, although it’s no different from your room at our other house.  Maybe we need to let the dogs sleep in your room, so you don’t feel so alone.

I took you out a few weekends ago to try to get some good fall pictures of you, but I think you were mad that Daddy wasn’t there, and you weren’t very cooperative.  You ate a bunch of leaves (I think because they were crunchy) and that made you sick, which made it even more difficult for you to want to be there.  Oh well, I tried.

I am super excited for next month because it will be your very first Christmas.  We got you a few presents, so I hope you like them.  This weekend we are supposed to take you to see Santa, so I hope he doesn’t scare you too bad.

I love you so much!

Love,

Momma

Seven Months

Today you are seven months old.  Seven.  Wow.  Over half a year old.  Where is the time going?

 It seems like so much has changed in the last month, but at the same time, not much has changed.  I think we can chalk that up to our super crazy month.  We were all sick off and on for a 3 ½ week period.  If one of us wasn’t sick, the other two were, and at one point we all were.  On top of me and daddy working, daddy going to school, trying to move, things going wrong at both houses putting everything on hold, and leaving us with an uncomfortable place to live, no matter which house we stayed at, the sickness was too much for everyone, and I’m pretty sure we all lost some (or all) of our marbles.  I won’t lie.

You have been difficult this month, but I attribute that to the above statements.  You have been extremely clingy, to the point where I cannot sleep a full night, because you refuse to sleep without being held very closely.  This only applies to nighttime, and you are fine at daycare and into the evenings, but once its bedtime, all bets are off.  You turn into a shrieking, crying, nightmare of a child.  The sad part is no one believes me because you are so good the rest of the time.  Like right now, for instance, you are happily playing on the floor, by yourself, while I write this, and while daddy is working at the other house to get all of our stuff packed.  Come tonight, if we even get you as far as sleeping in your swing (because there is no getting you in your crib right now) you will wake up in 2-3 hours screaming your head off until we take you out and bring you into bed with us.  You may be little, but you manage to take up 50% of the bed, leaving daddy and I hanging off the edges.

At your 6 month check up with the doctors, you weighed 15 ½ lbs.  You are getting to be so big.  It took 3 of us and about 5 minutes of you squirming on the scale to get that weight, and it’s a rough estimate.  That’s the number we all saw the most often, because you were squirming so much, and trying to communicate with everyone around you that the numbers were going crazy.  Everyone commented on how pleasant you were.  You had to get shots, which is always traumatic, but they also threw in a flu shot, which I know was a pain.  Daddy had one a few weeks earlier, and he complained for a week about how much it hurt after the shot.  Wouldn’t you know it, this was also around the time where we “lost” all your medications for a few days, and therefore couldn’t give you relief when you needed it.  You were not so pleasant then.

Your doctor says you need to be on your knees and working towards crawling more, but I haven’t really listened much to that.  You are pretty mobile at this point by army crawling or rolling around and that’s just fine with me.  You want to move your legs, not your arms, and she told me to not let you sit in your bouncy chair, and make you have more floor time.  I say, screw that!  You love your bouncy chair, you love bouncing, and turning around, and playing with all the toys.  I understand that you need to develop, but I was told to basically take away your favorite thing, and only use it in emergencies, like if I had to answer the door, or go to the bathroom, and that’s it.  I think you are developing just fine.  I am not a big fan of doctors right now, or their charts.  All I’ve read is that babies develop on their own, I’m fine with that, and I’m patient.  Hell, most things I’ve read say you should have your first tooth right now, and while you’ve acted like you’re going to have some soon… you’ve been doing it for months.  What are they going to tell me next, that I need to surgically make your teeth come out?  You just take your time, and do what you need to do, kiddo.

We started on solid foods this month.  Well, more solid than the cereal that you’ve been getting in your bottle.  The first thing we tried was some acorn squash.  I steamed it, and pureed it myself and you loved it.  You had it for a few days, and with no reaction.  Next we tried butternut squash.  The doctor said I needed to start to not puree it and mash it with a fork to get you used to chewing.  I took a potato masher, and left some chunks, and you were not thrilled with them, but ate it anyway.  I think you liked the flavor of the acorn squash better, but next time, we are moving on to another food, so let the adventuring begin!

You “talk” more now.  You say dada a lot, and daddy, of course loves it.  Sometimes you say, what sounds like “hi, dada!” and I think that is his favorite.  No momma yet, but we will get there.  We were discussing tonight how you kindly have something for each of us.  I get all the kisses, and no “momma”, and he gets all the “dada” but no kisses.  It’s nice of you to share the love for each of us individually.  Every now and then you will nibble on his nose, just like you used to, when you were hungry, and I think that melts his heart the most

You still love your puppies, and they love you.  You giggle at them whenever they do pretty much anything.  I don’t think Landon can wait until you can actually play with him; he gets so excited when you do, so I know you two will have a great friendship.  Bath time is still pretty much the best thing in your world.  I’m pretty sure that if you didn’t wrinkle up like a little raisin, we could leave you in your tub for hours, just splish-splashin’ away.  You also love to touch faces.  I think you like how each one feels different; you love to squeeze noses until they honk (some people need a little “reminder” that that’s what happens when a nose gets pinched) and squishing cheeks in your fingers.  You love to explore new things. 

Halloween is tomorrow, and I am so excited to dress you up for it.  It is my favorite holiday, so I hope you at least enjoy it a little bit.  You are going to be a pink monster.  I had picked out a frog costume for you last year, before we knew that you were going to be a girl, but I got a 6-9 month size, thinking it would fit you perfect, but you are still in some 0-3 month stuff, and just barely fitting into some 3-6 month stuff, so that was pretty much not going to happen.  You will be adorably cute no matter what though.   I just hope that the costume is comfortable so you can wear it most of the night, so we can show you off it in, and that it doesn’t irritate you too badly.

I love you so much!

 

Love,

Momma