So you Think You Can Camp?! - Season 4

So...Amanda and I decided we would try to get in one last camping trip before the absolute chaos of the wedding kicks in full force.  We both took a day off of work and gave it the ol' one-two.  I find this best to be told in timeline form...so here goes.

Friday
8:00 am - Take Landon to the Vet to get his butt-sack things released to prevent him scooting on the carpet.
8:07 am - Holy cow, that was quick.  Heading home.
8:25 am - Load car (forget a few essentials...more on this later).
9:00 am - Leave for Payson (We actually went to Forest Lakes though).
9:10 am - Realize that gas for the car would help us get there.  Stop for gas and pick up foodz.
11:30 am - Arrive in Payson, stop for firewood and ice...proceed to Forest Lakes
1:00 pm - Arrive at Knoll Lake Campground.  Spot 33 is taken.  Amanda is heartbroken.  Settle for "lucky number 13."
2:30 pm - Tent is up.  Shower is up.  Campsite is officially a go.
2:35 pm - Meet campsite host on the way to go fishing.  Leave Amanda and kids in the car since transactions with hosts are generally spoken in caveman.  "I stay two night...how much want?"  "Two night fourteen bones.  Wood six bones.  You need?"  Walk in on host telling story about "scar" on neck (by scar I mean once gaping wound/second smile) that goes from just under one ear all the way to the middle of his jaw on the other side.  Notice host is wearing pants made of some sort of animal hide...later find out he made them himself.  Listen to story about how bear tried to eat host.  Host KILLED THE BEAR...no gun...just killed it.  Notice necklace of bear teeth/claws around host's neck (you'd think he'd want the teeth a little further away).  While listening to story, notice various things like fossils, animal jaw bones, and animal skins.  Camper asks host if he sees many bears around the campground.  Host replies "Nah, they don't like to pay."
2:45 pm - Host finishes conversation with other camper.  Realizes I wasn't with other camper.  "My friends call me Mountain Eddie...I don't know why" (I do, you freaking whackjob).
2:55 pm - Back in car.  Explain last 20 minutes to future spouse en route to lake.
3:00 pm - Holy crap, the lake is closer than we thought.
4:00 pm - Not even a freaking bite.  Decide we will come back tomorrow with corn because "They'll bite corn...if they're bitin' corn."  Really?!  No kidding!  Sometimes I go pee if I'm going pee...imagine how that works.  Let me add a sidenote here...trout bait SUCKS.  Imagine Play-Doh that smells like your butt and will not come off your fingers.  Of course this is figured out AFTER we've stuck our fingers in.  We mold this stuff onto our hooks and cast...we come back with nothing EVERY TIME.  Screw trout bait.
4:05 pm - Back at the campsite.  Start fire for dinner.
4:45 pm - Cook steaks and potato pockets on fire.  Steaks were REALLY good.  Bug landed in Amanda's potato pocket...we shared the remainder of mine.
5:30 pm - Look around for more firewood.  Find HUGE log, only slightly rotten.  Should burn well.  Get out bow saw and start sawing away.
6:15 pm - Are you freaking kidding me?!  Sawing sucks.  I'm not even halfway through this thing.
6:20 pm - No measuring device packed.  Time to eyeball it.  From one side of the fire ring to the other is length of bonesaw plus length of axe head.  Log is a little bit longer than that, but only due to some small pieces where it broke unevenly.  Remove said pieces with axe.  Length of log now equals width of fire ring: one axe head plus one bowsaw.  PERFECT!  Throw log on fire...[see illustration]

6:45 pm - Try to fit a square in a round hole...while square and hole are both on fire.  Hack away at corners of square to make it bloody fit.  Mental note: when measuring three dimensional objects, do not only measure in one dimension.
7:30 pm - Amanda finally stops laughing.  Decides it is time for s'mores.  Mmmmmm...smores.
8:00 pm - Enjoy fire and talk.  Go to bed after a bit, dunno what time.

Saturday (note that Saturday times are really vague...we had no clock)
10:00 am - Wake up and get fire started.  It was a little chilly last night.  Lucy turned into a popsicle.
10:30 am - Realize we didn't pack eggs.  Make our "skillet" with potatoes and ground sausage.  Forget to add jalapeños.
11:30 am - Time to go fishing.  Dogs were heathens first time.  Leave them at camp.  Remembered the corn.
12:00 am - Amanda: "Y'know this is the best, most successful camping trip we've had so far.  There's been no rain, no snow...haven't caught anything yet, but so far it's been great." (Mark these words...as you read on, come back to them several times)
12:30 pm - Amanda: "I'm starting to get a little pink."  Me: "Did we bring sunscreen...?" (answer is "no")
1:30 pm - Still haven't caught any fish.  Mental note: Look up how the hell to fish trout...do not listen to other fishermen.  Take "Lobster-Red Amanda" back to campsite.
1:35 pm - "Is that a blow-up doll?"  Realize that answer is "yes."  Slap palm on head as we realize blow-up doll is now inhabiting campsite 12 along with an older guy and a young-to-mid 20's college-type guy.  Host is nowhere to be found.
1:45 pm - Eat lunch.  Turkey sammiches.
3:00 pm - Original jackasses in site 12 joined by three more jackasses.  New jackasses bring bongo and crappy music.
3:45 pm - Realize that bongo jackass couldn't hold a beat if he had a Metronome in his hand.  Also realize that multiple males in jackass party have laughs that make me want to slit my wrists.  Lucky me...I forgot my survival knife.
4:30 pm - Jackasses leave to go somewhere.  Blow-up doll was left.
4:45 pm - Take showers while jackasses are gone.  If 5 guys go in the woods and bring a blow-up doll, you know a little skin from a REAL woman like Amanda would just be asking for trouble.  Don't wanna take our chances.  This is the first time using the shower-tent thing...results: works freaking great.
6:30 pm - Dinner time.  Bleu Cheese Burgers and Grilled Corn
7:00 pm - Jackasses decide to throw fireworks and 12-GAUGE SHOTGUN SHELLS into their 6-foot fire.  Jackasses do not break up huge log, but rather drag a 6-foot fallen tree and lay over fire-pit (this is actually illegal).  Host is nowhere to be found.  Spend the remainder of the evening consolling our scared-to-death Landon.  Jackasses seem to think it's funny.
9:oo pm - Jackasses turn off loud music.  We decide to turn in for the night.  "We can deal with their laughter and voices" (no we can't).
10:00 pm - Finally fall asleep.  Fireworks/shotgun shells have stopped going off.  Some of jackasses go to sleep.
10:29 pm - Leave tent with axe in hand.  Kill jackasses, chop them to pieces, and throw in fire.
10:30 pm - Wake up from really good dream to realize jackasses are still alive...and the music has come back...so has the bongo.
11:00 pm - ***BANG!***  Landon goes nuts inside the tent, frightened to death.
11:01 pm - Pants on: check.  Trusty axe in hand: check.  Balls grown to the size of watermelons: check.  Really pissed off: check
11:02 pm - Arrive at jackass encampment.  "Look, it's an hour past f***ing noise violation and you guys are still being loud and obnoxious.  It's time to knock it off.  Your g** d*** fireworks are spooking my dogs and I'm getting pissed.  I know you're trying to have a party, but it's time to knock it off."
11:03 pm - Jackasses apologize, turn off music, and quite it down considerably.
11:15 pm - Jackasses are too quite.  They have to be up to something.  Quietly slip into "night camo" pants (black, and shades of gray) and pure black hoodie.  Sneak out of tent, armed with axe.
11:25 pm - Sneak through woods in pitch black, scouting the jackass camp to make sure they aren't up to anything.  Old man went to sleep before nine.  That leaves four to account for.  1 sleeping by fire.  One having smoke on other side of camp.  2 are "making s'mores" but have no graham crackers, so they are sandwhiching the still-flaming marshmallows between chocolate bars.  Being a ninja is fun.
11:59 pm - Realize the full extent of idiocy contained in the jackasses...they are too stupid to be of any harm.  Head back to camp and sneak back in tent.

Sunday
12:00 am (midnight) - Pass out.
6:30 am - SERIOUSLY!?!?  The f***ing fireworks AGAIN?!
7:00 am - Get fire going.
7:15 am - Group consensus:  Skip breakfast, breakdown camp and get away from the jackasses.  We can eat at Taco Bell on the way out.
10:00 am - Fully packed.  Leave camp and flip-off jackasses as we drive off.  We're heading home
10:45 am - Lid comes off of one of our storage containers located in the roof rack.  Lid forces its way through the bungee spiderweb thing we bought and flies over a cliff.
10:46 am - Pull over and rearrange stuff on roof rack, putting container with no lid in car.
11:00 am - Driving through mountains.  Speed limit is 65, I'm going 72ish.  Pass car going 60ish.  Large, lift-kitted truck comes out of nowhere going about 90, comes within 2 feet of my bumper while flashing the 82 different lights on his truck at me.
11:01 am - Finish passing car and pull into right-hand lane.  Roll down window and flip guy the bird.  Glare at him as he flies past.  Watch as he continues to drive like a jackass, nearly running every person he passes off the road.  What am I a jackass magnet?  Get yelled at by Amanda
12:00 - Home...sweet...home

Sidenote: I smelled like sausages in the shower before I washed, but after I got wet.