I will start you off with this lovely diagram. Each square represents a house and a front/back yard. Our houses are not literally wall-to-wall on all sides. We have a back yard, which backs up to our back-neighbors back yard, and a side yard that is next to another neighbor and so on.
8
7
6
5
1
2
3
4
8
7
6
5
1
2
3
4
1) We hate you, because recently, despite the lovely No Trespassing sign that we had posted (until it "mysteriously" broke) your wretched children-beasts come on to our property. Not only that, which already upsets our dogs enough to make them go crazy... you then start waving things, such as sticks, in front of their angry little faces. When we open the door to find out why there is such a ruckus, you run off, because obviously, you know you've done something wrong. Last time, we caught you, you little bastards. Jason was kind enough to hop our fence, and walk over to your house STEAMING mad. I'm pretty sure if cartoons got the idea of an angry person blowing steam out of their ears, it was from Jason, at that point in time. (Yes, I am saying that cartoonists traveled forward in time to figure out that's what a REALLY mad person looks like.) He spoke to your parents, who were probably the same level of pissed off as our dogs, but nowhere near Jason. I don't think it has resolved the issue completely, but it has lessened it a bit.
2) Ah, the neighbors directly to the west of us. Thanks for owning a dog. A dog that never goes inside. Not in 120° heat, and not in the rain. I really do feel bad for your dog, and it really is no wonder he barks at every gust of wind. I just wish you would get rid of him. It make us feel like assholes if we should happen to get home late, or want to do something in our yard early in the morning when its cooler, because YOUR dog won't shut his yap because YOU won't let him in the house. Also, thanks for providing him with that kiddie pool in the backyard that it is clear he never uses, and is also a lovely breeding ground for your other pets, mosquitoes, they sure do love that green, algae ridden standing water. They also love us, and imagine how joyfully surprised we were when we found out the source of them.
3) That's us. We just hate the house. We can't really hate ourselves, although we do kick ourselves every now and then for buying this dump.
4) Ah, the overly loud obnoxious neighbor to the east of us. Did you know that her father's birthday was on our wedding date, and that means that he not only approves of our marriage, but also that we are living in his house? SO GREAT TO HEAR! Ugh. Not only that, she really is LOUD and OBNOXIOUS. Like, to the point where we are in our house, and if she is talking to someone outside, we can clearly hear her... and so can the rest of the neighborhood. We avoid her at all costs, but sometimes resistance is futile... because the nervous glance in her direction and then away... just won't work.
5) I don't think we have a problem with you... you just happened to get grouped in with the rest, just like poor ol' #8.
6) You know, when we discussed paying HALF to get our fence fixed because your 3-90 pound dogs continually jumped on it, we were serious? We didn't mean for you to fix your front yard, put your dogs there, and then buy five 6-month old puppies and put them in the back instead. We still can't use our backyard, because the new dogs also jump on the fence, pushing it more and more over. I'm glad you got your front yard fixed though. I'm also glad that before you moved your bigger dogs, one actually climbed OVER our fence, destroyed my above ground garden, you walked into our yard, got your dog, and didn't even bother to tell us until we confronted you about it. Oh yeah, and thanks for all the dead birds you keep throwing in our yard too. That's always nice to walk into.
7) You have the loudest, most yippi-yappiest dog I have ever heard. You must be related to #2 because you NEVER let your dog inside, and at 2 am, or 11 pm it doesn't really matter the time "yipyipyipyip" is all we ever hear. I wan't to do a special covert operation over the corner of your fence, and shoot it... and I am not an advocate for killing animals... but yours needs to go.
8) Sorry you got stuck in here with the rest of the idiots. I like your 2 black dogs. They are very well behaved, and quiet. I enjoy driving by them when they are outside every now and then because they always looks like they are in anticipation of you being home and being a super owner who actually gives a shit about their dogs.
I can't wait until we have enough equity to get the hell out of this place, or we win the lottery. Freedom!
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